Perception vs. Objective Reality?
Dove: keeping the blame on the self for having low self-esteem
I have a lot of feelings and even more thoughts about that Dove sketch ad circulating around my social media world.
I must admit, when I first watched it, I felt a twinge down in my heart. Could it be that someone acknowledges and is starting a real discourse about the beauty industry’s unbearable pressure on women to look flawless? Could it be that Dove acknowledges the terrible ways that women (& men) police each other (& themselves) to conform to such unrealistic standards of beauty? Could it be that Dove is calling us to shed the punishment, the self-flagellation that comes of simply gazing at ourselves in the mirror? Could it be that Dove knows the struggle of feeling ugly, worthless, fat, and undesirable and the punishing work that goes into correcting the horrors of our bodies? Could it be that someone finally recognizes how sometimes it’s all I can do to put on my best outfit, style my hair, apply makeup the best I can, to make me love myself and to muster the courage to leave the house?
Well when I put it that way, not really.
At the end of the Dove ad, the self-described portrait and the stranger-described portraits are compared. The subjects of the sketches, the women, are taught how hard they are on themselves. This is a good point: we, as women, are extremely unforgiving of ourselves.
But, in the end, what does the ad teach us about ourselves?
Ugly is still ugly.
Wrinkled, dimpled and dull skin, crooked and large noses, unruly hair, unkempt eyebrows, sunken cheeks, plump faces, high foreheads, etc., etc., etc., are still ugly. Good thing those ad models are not that ugly. Never mind that many “real” women do in fact have wrinkled skin, grey hair, broken hair, hair that’s falling out, unkempt eyebrows, unibrows, facial hair, and round faces, among many other so-called ugly features. What about them?
The agency to see yourself as you are and to learn to love that self remains unobtainable for women.
Because the way women perceive themselves is irrational, unfair, and uncalled for; we will tell you how you are supposed to see yourself. Try to picture yourself through a kind stranger’s eyes. Never mind that your own daughter, mother, co-worker may not picture you so kindly. Never mind that you still don’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model, or that girl on the cover of Vogue, and you never will. You are to blame for the unhealthy images you have of yourself. They originate in your mind. They are myths that you have built for yourself. And the path to heal these unhealthy images you’ve created of yourself is through another’s (hopefully merciful?) eyes.
Gaslighting
Dove’s message is insidious gaslighting. I learned about gaslighting a couple of years ago from a blog post called “A Message to Women from a Man: You Are Not Crazy.” Basically gaslighting is a form of abuse wherein the abuser uses various methods to manipulate the victim into questioning their memory, their perspective, their perception, and even their sanity. And gaslighting the article claims is,
“…the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged.”
Dove gaslights the audience (women) by diverting the conversation from questioning the beauty industry, to invalidating and questioning the perception women have of themselves. This happens when the comparison takes place. The self-perceived image is characterized as an irrational, oversensitive depiction of self, whereas the stranger’s perception is objective reality that women deny or are incapable of seeing. This trivializes the self-perception as unreal, exaggerated and fails to account for the very real effect of seeing yourself as ugly, unworthy, undesirable. Dove attempts to re-write, or forget, or deny the beauty industry’s—including, even especially, Unilever who makes Dove products among other products, notably Axe (I learned this background info from this article)—role in creating the reality that women have been taught to perceive themselves this way.
I wanted to take the time to point out my problems with the Dove ad because I see so many of my female friends sharing it. They recognize themselves there. And I worry that the ad recognizes them but then immediately dismisses them.
Redefining beauty; finding peace
While I can critique away the Dove ad, I would also like to devote space to healing. Although, I admit, I am in the midst of healing myself so I don’t have all the answers. Nor does anyone else. There are many imperfect ways to live, and this is merely how I’m doing it.
Every day feels like a battlefield. I’m at war with who I think I am, and who I worry people see me as. What the Dove ad fails to account for is the negative external pressures that become internalized and contribute to low self-esteem. I despise the word self-esteem for that reason. It centers the burden of feeling good about oneself on the self without accounting for the everything else (no woman is an island after all). We must battle the bad with the good, and here’s how I try:
I try to surround myself with good, decent people.
I make choices each day to avoid media (like magazines) that reinforce the notion that beauty or even happiness are commodities which can be afforded by those who deserve it; or achieved by those who suffer for it (read: are meritorious). But I fail, a lot. I more often than not support the brands that perpetuate the ideas I fight (I’m wearing Dove deodorant, and use Dove body wash, and wash my hair with TRESemme. I’m wearing Victoria’s Secret & Michael Kors!).
I try to take care of my body. I eat healthy. I exercise. But I still criticize it. Almost every day I’m examining my body for the parts I don’t like, instead of noticing the parts I do like, or finding new ways to like what I see.
But the times when I wake up and look in the mirror and see myself and feel a peacefulness, a quietness, recognition and acceptance…those are worth the battling and struggling on the other days. So may you go in peace, friends.
